A handy guide to snag the CL man of your dreams... - 28 (around Hartford)
OK, ladies. We really need to talk. Over the past few months, I have become something of a CL enthusiast because it provides a fascinating glimpse into the human (female) psyche. No doubt many of the lessons I've learned will come in handy the next time I meet a PYT while in a World Of Warcraft chat room.A couple things though, and this is for your own good. I am a relatively well-adjusted, non-psychotic, non-ugly, intelligent, funny, caring and sexual guy. The sweet spot of CL love seekers. So take this advice on its own merits.
Don't kid yourselves. This is a competition. Not all of you are the unique, beautiful, smart things you say you are. Not all of us would be lucky to have you. Following these five simple steps should lead into a world of CL bliss where the sky is made of gold and the ground you walk on is paved with orgasms.
1. Punctuation matters. Syntax is your friend. If the man of your dreams considers a Tom Brady jersey and backward Red Sox hat to be formal attire for a night on the town, things such as comma splices and proper use of dependent clauses probably don't matter. But many of you have made it known you are seeking a "smart, sexy, guy" who is "interesting" and can "prove to me that their not all alike." That is the incorrect usage of "their," and that says a lot about you. Trust me. Smart, sexy guys notice shit like that.
2. Busch Light + single mother = Jerry Springer. I know, it's hard. Our economy is melting down before our eyes. There's a war on. Icebergs are disappearing at a record pace and the Red Sox are slumping. Life's difficult, and beer sometimes helps.
But if you are a single mother turning to CL for a companion and include a picture of yourself clutching some form of shitty bottom shelf beer in one hand and your adorable child in the other, chances are you have a lot more nights ahead of you that involve drinking alone.
3. Lose the attitude. I can't emphasize this enough. So many of you act like there's an armed bandit behind you, forcing you to post a CL ad. Uh, WTF? This shit is voluntary. So if you're a "BBW" don't follow that up with "yeah I'm fat and if you don't like it fuck you I got no time for haters." Whoa, calm down bitch. You only get one chance at making a good first impression.
And by the way, some men just aren't down with the soft girls, and no amount of linguistic manipulation can change that. We're computer nerds. When you say "voluptuous, curvy, a few extra pounds, more to love or beautiful on the inside," you come off sounding totally pathetic and desperate. I say this because I care. Life is better with honesty. Honesty leads to an inbox full of gushing CL missives.
4. We know that picture is not you. As much as we'd love to imagine a flat-stomached, tanned sex goddess is interested in getting into our sweat pants, we know better.
I have had sex with girls like that. I have not met them on CL. That's not to say cute girls don't inhabit the more intimate sections of Craig, but we know the signs.
5. Temper your expectations. Gerard Butler, George Clooney and Justin Timberlake are busy fellows. Their time is already taken up. Please don't wait for them to accept your offer of cruising around greater Connecticut on a motorcycle or you're going to be one disappointed gal.
If you are lucky enough to receive a thought-out, well-crafted and genuine response from a guy and his picture doesn't have one of those cheesy late 80s laser backdrops or Epcot in it, take a chance. See what happens.
Happy hunting.
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