::A door opens. A casually dressed man enters the room casting a quick glance around at the spartan furnishings. The Interviewer, standing behind a functional looking metal desk, is wearing a grey suit and thin black tie. He gestures to The Man to sit in a straight-backed wooden chair opposite him::
"Please have a seat."
"Thanks." ::The Man replies as they both sit. The Man attempts, with only limited success, to get comfortable in the chair. The Interviewer speaks as he is looking over some papers on a clipboard::
"So, you are here on Craigslist looking for a... " ::There is momentary pause as the eyes of the Interviewer search the paper:: "...a woman, is that right?" ::Inquiring look over the clipboard::
"Yes." ::The Man responds with a hopeful voice and a momentary smile:: "Just so."
"Ah, good." ::The Interviewer grabs a nearby pen off the desk and begins fiddling with it absentmindedly as he leans back in his chair and fixes the Man with a dark-eyed stare::
"You have been reading the ads?"
"Yes, I have."
"So you know what the women there want?" ::The Interviewer leans forward in his chair and raises his brows slightly::
"Uh, yes. I think so. I know what they say they want at least." ::A look of slight nervousness creeps across the Man's features. A brief, mirthless half-grin crosses the Interviewer's face::
"Shall we go down the list?" ::The Man swallows and then nods slightly in reply::
"Are you tall?"
"Yes." ::The Man sits up a bit straighter in his chair with a look of confidence entering his face and voice:: "Indeed I am. Well above average in fact." ::The Man pauses, his brows furrowing momentarily:: "Not freakishly so though. I'm six-three" ::The Interviewer nods and makes a note on his tablet. Without looking up he continues::
"Are you obese, burly, husky, big-boned or any other current euphemisms for fat?" ::The Man shakes his head slightly::
"No. I'm carrying maybe ten to fifteen extra pounds, but I have a big frame to carry them on." ::The Interviewer nods and makes a note::
"Are you buff, cut, have large biceps, rippling muscles and/or washboard abs?"
"Uh, no, but I do have nice muscular calves and thighs." ::The Interviewer looks up at the Man expressionlessly:: "I walk a lot." ::The Man says by way of explanation, adding after a moment:: "I also hike and run occasionally." ::The Interviewer looks down at his clipboard and continues tonelessly::
"Do you love to laugh?" ::A look of genuine puzzlement crosses the Man's face::
"Doesn't everyone?"
"Are you funny? Do you make women laugh?" ::The interviewer asks with uncharacteristic emphasis:: ::The Man looks momentarily out of the computer screen at the reader::
"Well if The Woman gets at least a chuckle out of this then yes, otherwise I guess not." ::The Man pauses and looks back to the Interviewer as he nods slightly while making a note:: "Did I mention that I am tall?" ::The Man asks with a hint of a mischievous smile::
"Yes." ::The Interviewer answers somewhat coldly, shooting a reproachful look at the Man. He then continues::
"Do you love life?"
"Well, usually, but it doesn't always love me back."
"I see. And would you describe your attitude as unwaveringly positive?" ::A small bead of sweat breaks out on the Man's forehead and begins wending its way wetly downward.::
"Uh, no, not really. Don't get me wrong, I don't go around with a personal raincloud trying to soak everyone else with it, but I don't exactly spring out of bed in the morning shouting 'every day in every way I'm getting better and better!' or 'Today is the first day of the rest of my life!' either."
"Not even once?"
"Nope, not even once. I am generally not an exclamation point man." ::The Interviewer nods. The sound of a pen tip methodically scratching on paper emanates from across the desk. The Man surreptitiously strains to get a peak at what is being written::
"Do you like to have fun?" ::The look of genuine puzzlement returns to The Man's face::
"Doesn't that go without saying?" ::The interviewer glances briefly to his papers::
"Apparently it does not."
"Alright. Yes. Yes, I like to have fun."
"And fun would be?"
"Oh, the usual things, movies reading, hiking, traveling. You know, the things which are enjoyable enough to do, but make you seem dull as dirt to list." ::The Interviewer nods without replying::
"Do you have a luxuriant, full head of hair?" ::A long pause ensues. Several more beads of sweat appear. The Man shifts in his chair and clears his throat several times before finally speaking::
"Have I mentioned that I am tall?"
"Several times now." ::The Interviewer says with a hint of irritation in his voice. With a heavy sigh the Man answers::
"No. No, I don't." ::The distinct sound of distant doors opening and the clicking of many high-heeled shoes rapidly receding fills the small room. The Man looks over his shoulder with a concerned expression and asks::
"What was that?" ::The Interviewer does not respond except to quirk his lip slightly upward:: "I have a nice head and my ears don't stick out does that count?" ::The Man asks hopefully. The Interviewer gives him a sardonic look:: "I suppose the cute dimples don't matter either?" ::The Interviewer shakes his head and grimaces slightly before looking back to his papers::
"Let's move on. Do you drink?"
"No."
"Not at all?"
"Only if by 'drink' you mean diet soda." ::The Interviewer makes a curt mark on the paper::
"Do you smoke?"
"Only when I am on fire." ::The Man was becoming almost used to the Interviewer's constricted glare::
"Do you smoke?" ::The Interviewer asked again::
"No."
"Do you mind smokers?"
"Do I have to answer that?" ::The Man asks with a sour expression::
"Yes, you do." ::The interviewer insisted steadfastly.::
"Well it doesn't make them more appealing to kiss." ::The Man says finally. The Interviewer nods to the accompaniment of pen scratching::
"Do you dance?"
"Did I mention that I am..." ::The Interviewer surgical voice cuts the Man off at a stroke:: "Yes, they all know now that you are tall, just answer the question."
"No. Not in public anyway."
"Are you rich?"
"No. I would not say so." ::Interviewer makes a mark::
"Are you poor?"
"No." ::Interviewer makes a mark::
"Do you love your job?"
"It pays my bills." ::The Man says evasively::
"Do you have a fulfilling, lucrative career?"
"Not yet. I'll let you know."
"Do you like long walks on the beach?"
"Well you know this is Connecticut not California. There is no shortage of beaches I'll admit, but trying to find a public one big enough for a long walk is a daunting challenge." ::The Interviewer's dark eyes stare steadily at the Man. The Man sighs:: "Alright, I prefer my long walks through the woods preferably ending on mountaintops and walking hand-in-hand on those can be hazardous." ::The Interviewer nods and makes a mark::
"Education?"
"Bachelors degree."
"Christian?"
"No."
"Muslim?"
"No."
"Jew?"
"No, look we could be at that a while." ::The Man gestures to the clipboard:: "Put me down for 'spiritual atheist." ::A look of incredulity crosses the Interviewer's face:: "Someone will know what that means, trust me." ::Without losing his disbelieving expression the interviewer puts down a mark::
"I think that's enough about you for now. Why don't we move on to the woman that you are seeking."
"Alright."
"Do you want her to be intelligent?"
"Yes."
"More intelligent than you?" ::The Man pauses, pondering:: "I'll get back to you on that."
"Funny?"
"A good sense of humor, love of word play and a tolerance for puns would be helpful. Asking for a love of puns would be too much I think."
"Probably." ::The Interviewer agrees with the hint of a wry expression crossing his face::
"Do you want her to be religious?"
"No."
"Not at all?"
"A woman who spends a lot of time on the supernatural doesn't live in the same world I do."
"Do you want her to be attractive?"
"Naturally."
"Are you?"
"I've been called that."
"And attractive for you would be?"
"Average to voluptuous build. The sight and feel of ribs has never really done much for me." ::The Man pauses with brow furrowed in thought:: "Let's see - I like long hair better than short although both can look nice." ::The Man shrugs:: "There are many other little details, too numerous to list really."
"Are these required?"
"No, just preferences."
"Racial preference?"
"Human." ::The Interviewer glowers at the Man, saying with additional emphasis::
"Ethnic preference?"
"Caucasian and African top the list, but I like all colors of the rainbow. Except maybe for orange." ::The Man says with a returning mischievous grin:: ::The sound of the Interviewer's pen scratching follows::
"Do you want her to be active?"
"Yes."
"Hyper active?"
"Um, no, not really. Periods of vigorous activity interspersed with periods of relaxation would be nice. If she thinks of a three mile walk on level ground as a herculean undertaking then we would likely be ill matched."
"Sex?"
"Yes."
"Yes, what?" ::The Interviewer asks pointedly::
"Yes, I'd like sex. I don't think there are many men here who don't want that. Were I looking for a nun, chances are I'd be looking elsewhere."
"Do you want to go into detail about that?"
"No, not right now. I'd be more than happy to discuss it when the time is right."
"Anything else?"
"Yeah, the ability to write a sentence without using 'i' for 'I','u' for 'you' or any other internet shorthand currently in vogue would be nice. That sort of thing just seems lazy." ::The Man considers for a moment and then adds hurriedly:: "Oh, and if the woman is a big sports fan then there is likely no worse match in all the world than me. I didn't get the sports gene." ::The Interviewer nods curtly, makes a final mark and sets his clipboard down with a metallic click. He and the Man rise together and shake hands over the desk. The Interviewer gives the Man a generic businesslike smile::
"Thank you for coming and good luck. They will be in touch."
"Thank you." ::The Man nods, turns and exits through the open door. The Interviewer watches the Man's retreating back expressionlessly for a few moments and then speaks into the empty room::
"Next."
No comments:
Post a Comment