Phrases That Never Help

I often think it's funny to say things that are never helpful--it points out how useless saying them really is. But be careful. I've found that a dry sense of humor can make an attempt at a joke into an awkward moment for everyone, while your listeners try to figure out if you're serious (and a social dimwit) or joking. By the time they get the joke, it's usually not funny anymore.

The following are instructions on how to use these phrases effectively as a joke, and why and how to avoid them under other circumstances.

"Calm down."
As a joke: You can say this to someone who is sitting quietly, reading a book, or otherwise not bothering you in any way. This is especially effective used on someone who is never excitable, such as an entymologist.

For real: Either the person you're saying this to is actually upset about something, in which case your saying "calm down" will almost certainly fail to have the desired effect, or they don't perceive themselves as being worked up and you've succeeded in pointing out their embarrassing volume level.
Perhaps instead, you could say "You're being loud and embarrassing me, which is just as important as the fact that Brian left you pregnant at the altar on the day all your kittens died. Have a little self-respect!"
That'll shut them up.


"You're not ugly."
As a joke: Never use this as a joke. Under certain circumstances, it may be used as a drastic understatement, but be aware that many models have fragile egos and cannot be counted on to detect the irony.

For real: This reassurance is especially useless when it is unsolicited. If someone is sitting there, minding her own business, and you look over and say (as though you'd been thinking it over and reached a conclusion) "you're not ugly," you're implying that you had been thinking that she was. The fact that you've now seen the error of your ways is not enough to redeem this remark; the implied end of the sentence is "but you're not pretty, either." And anyway, who asked you.
It is also useless to say this to someone fishing for a compliment. In fact, there are really only two ways to deal with someone complaining "I'm ugly/fat/an alcoholic": The first is to go over there and say, if you can say it honestly, "Not to me. To me, you're beautiful/exactly the right size/a moderate social drinker."
The second, which is the one I usually choose, is to sit back and say "Well, I'VE always thought so."


"Really?"
As a joke: You can say this in order to point out that whatever has just been said is obvious. Take care to select the proper "sarcastic voice" for this, or people will think you're legitimately offended. Maybe you should practice this first.

For real: The trouble with this word is that it implies a lack of belief in what has just been said, and is ultimately an accusation of liarhood against the speaker.
At some point, though, all of us, however diligently we struggle to avoid it, will be surprised by some fact or statement and blurt out "really?" in response. It's best to try to cover up the slight of the word by immediately following it with what we really meant, i.e. "I'm surprised!" or "That's crazy!" or "What do you mean a telephone pole has fallen on my car?"


More phrases that never help as I come across them.