Phrases So Out of Proportion That They Are Never Appropriate

As with phrases that never help, phrases so out of proportion that they are never appropriate can be funny, under the right circumstances. I use them in my everyday life whenever I encounter a minor difficulty, which is the only time that they will be funny to the speaker. These phrases are always funny to a listener with an ear for irony and/or little investment in the situation at hand, but may be exasperating to a listener who feels the speaker is being serious—and cares.

The following are examples of such phrases, each with a discussion of fictional situations in which they might conceivably become appropriate, and instruction on their use as jokes in everyday life.


"All is lost!"
Fictional situations in which it might become appropriate: Nuclear holocaust, after which you are one of two survivors and the other survivor is blind and has asked what you see; while standing on the bow of the last available warship as a giant squid pulls it under; as a “Lost & Found” clerk, when answering the question “Where’s the ‘Found’ department?”

Instructions on its use: As melodrama goes, "all is lost" is top-notch. Unfortunately, it's difficult to pull off farcically in person, unless you have a flair for faking a mounting hysteria. Even then, it can be off-putting to those who are annoyed instead of amused by hysteria.
My advice is to deadpan this one. Keep a straight face and use a monotone voice, with perhaps a hint of irony. You may want to elaborate for impact, adding “oh no, oh no” or “we’re all going to die.”


"We're NEVER going to get there/finish this!"
Fictional situations in which it might become appropriate: [in dismay] On the way to X location, you get stuck in a sinkhole and are being rapidly sucked into the earth, and your one regret is that you will never arrive at X; [in shock] on the sudden realization that you have been cursed by the gods to push a stone up a hill all day and chase it down all night, or are trapped in the movie Groundhog Day.

Instructions on its use: This phrase must be whiny in order to be effective—but any joke that involves whining should be used sparingly, and with discretion, since fake whining is often just as annoying as its real counterpart. Still, there are two scenarios in which this out-of-proportion phrase could be used successfully.
First, there is the short whine, in which you, the speaker, say the phrase one time in order to mock your own impatience. Tone is key for the short whine; you may want to overdo it a bit to make it clear that you are not serious. Then drop the subject.
Second, there is the remedial, or corrective whine. As with the short whine, this should be used only to mock your own impatience, specifically when you realize that you have been actually whining and are annoying the listener. Pushing your whine up a notch and then laughing should release the tension of the situation (which has built as the listener wishes you would stop whining) and allow the listener to gracefully dodge the need to lie (i.e., “No, I WANT to hear what you have to say. You’re not annoying me at ALL”).


“I might as well be dead!”
Fictional situations in which it might become appropriate: On discovering that the afterlife is exactly the same in precisely every way, as this one.

Instructions on its use: As with all phrases so out of proportion that they are never appropriate, this phrase is best used when the stakes are so small as to be, literally, laughable. Some examples of this type of situation include receiving a minor injury (very shallow paper-cut, stubbed toe, broken nail), acting like an idiot in front of someone you “like,” or having to wait in a long line at the Home Depot. Again, use this hyperbole sparingly, as it becomes less funny the more it’s used.