Phrases that Never Help, II

Again, below are instructions on how to use these phrases effectively as a joke, and why and how to avoid them under other circumstances.


“Stop obsessing.”
As a joke: You can say this as the culmination to a series of unfounded accusations that the mockee is obsessing over person X or event Y, which is effective particularly if the supposed object of obsession is you, the mocker.

For real: By definition, an obsession is all-consuming, and rare is the two-word-combination that can stop it. (“I do” and “fuck off” are likely exceptions.) The person obsessing is likely in actual distress, but probably does not realize or will not admit it—the state of obsession seems natural and good to them.

Do not attempt to mock the obsessed—who have proven that they have enough focus and drive to take you out if they choose—directly; instead, ascribe the obsessed’s actions to the object of the obsession, i.e. “I bet person X is writing his first name with your last name on every page of his notebook right now, too”; “Person X probably followed you home tonight and rifled through your trash to see what you had for dinner”; etc.

You may also consider inventing your own parallel obsession, countering each of the obsessed’s revelations of minutiae with your own: “Person Y read four out of five of the ‘Humor in Uniform’ stories in the bathroom today.”

It’s possible that through this the obsessed will recognize their personal excesses, but more likely that you will simply be amusing yourself.

That’s all right. It’s important to take time out for yourself in the midst of a crisis.


“Stop worrying.”
As a joke: Similar to “stop obsessing,” though on the whole, less funny.

For real: Telling a worrier to stop worrying will have the opposite of the intended effect, since you’ve now shown them that you are not willing to share the necessary work of preventing disaster through worrying it away. Now they’ll have to do your part of the worrying, too.

The only way to unclench a worrywart is to beat them at their own game. For every new anxiety they mention, respond, eyes wide with concern, “I know—we’re probably all going to die! Probably from this!”

If they object, up the ante until they give up: puppies will be born with grotesque birth defects; well water everywhere will be poisoned; “owls will deafen us with their incessant hooting,” etc.


“Chill out.”
Var. “calm down”—see previous entry.


“No offense, but…”
As a joke: You can use this phrase in select company when you are sure the listeners are in agreement with you, against a third party who is not present, if you follow with something obviously offensive. This is only funny when it is directed at a famous figure for whom none of you have much sympathy, such as the president or Pat Robertson; otherwise, it is cruel.

For real: You will never fail to offend if you begin your remarks with this phrase. Whatever its original meaning, it has now become the verbal equivalent of throwing down the gauntlet; you are signaling your intention to offend while indicating that you refuse responsibility for the offense, which is offensive in itself. Upon hearing it, listeners will immediately begin being offended. This phrase, which is supposedly meant to disarm, is additionally annoying because it’s disingenuous.

Instead of feigning respect for the person to whom you are speaking, then, you might try some refreshing honesty: “I was just thinking something rotten about you and wanted to let you know” or “I feel an obligation to the world at large to tell you to take a bath/discipline your child/go to hell.”

Or you could just keep your mouth shut.