After an increase in violent crimes in the last year, and in the midst of the ongoing investigation into the racial profiling of suspects by police, the recently convened Department of Domestic Affairs (DDA) issued this statement: “All other efforts having failed, as Americans we must now turn to our last resort. We see clearly in the demographics collected from many of our urban centers that the vast majority of those perpetrating violent crimes are males, and that the majority of those currently imprisoned are persons of minority. In order to right the wrongs that we have done to minorities, the miscarriage of justice and our subsequent failure to incarcerate those truly responsible for these violent acts, we see no alternative but to castrate all unimprisoned men over the age of thirteen.”
The Secretary of Domestic Affairs, Robin Eisenhower, explained the department’s rationale to the media. “This is a matter of public health, not only for victims, but for perpetrators of violent crimes as well. The scientific link between the hormone testosterone and violent behavior is no longer possible to ignore. The elimination of testosterone would decrease all instances of violent behaviors in men; scientists now consider its presence a guarantee of aggression, and have categorized the hormone as a mind-altering narcotic. We must act against this drug now, before another generation of men grows up to become child abusers, murderers, and rapists.”
Eisenhower emphasized the plan as a deterrent to future crimes, concluding with a statement from a convicted man currently serving 25 years to life in the Virginia State Penitentiary: “If I had known the government could do that, I never would have stolen that car. But now I’m glad I’m in prison.”
While the plan states that men in the general society should be castrated between January 1st and March 1st, 2003, it makes special provision for those currently serving time in federal prisons. The warden at the Virginia State Penitentiary, Ed Gardener, explained. “In order to propagate the human race, we need some men with the ability to reproduce. Those in prison are already behind bars for crimes that they have committed against the people, some for the rest of their lives. This means that they are already being watched closely by the government. Allowing them to retain their procreative abilities would ensure that they could give back to the society. This would improve their self-esteem and be better for their rehabilitation than anything we could have come up with here on our own.” In response to objections from the National Organization for Women (NOW), he assured the press that the incarcerated men would not be allowed near women who desired to procreate. Instead, modern technology would be used in much the same way it is for infertile couples today. “There’s no reason to do things the old-fashioned way,” Gardener said.
To objections that keeping any men in their naturally aggressive state was cruel and unusual punishment, Gardener said, “You have to make sacrifices for the good of the whole society sometimes. And these men will be given a choice. The program is completely voluntary; they can decide to make the sacrifice of providing for their country or else be released from the bonds of their aggression and eventually sent back into American society as outstanding citizens.”
The government claims that the plan will also eliminate racism. Because the majority of male prisoners are persons of minority, the birth rate of minorities would quickly surpass that of majority Caucasians. “We will be forced to give up the racism that has pervaded our society,” commented Kyle Masters, the leader of the NAACP, at a national rally in support of the plan.
The social action plan also provides for the long-term propagation of the species. After current prisoners have died off and all other American men are castrated, federal prisons will be converted into safehouses for future volunteers for procreation. New, smaller prisons will be built for future convicts, since behavioral scientists predict a drastic decrease in crime following the New Year. Pre-pubescent boys will be given the option of retaining procreative abilities and remaining in custody for the remainder of their lives, or else following their emasculated “fathers” and living in society at large. They will be expected to make this decision by the age of thirteen, before they have become addicted to testosterone, say scientists. This long-term provision is patterned after the practices of some African societies that use circumcision as a rite of initiation for young boys, resulting in their full socialization. A team of elite anthropologists has been assembled for consultation on the specifics of this plan.
The main critics of the government’s plan admit that it would prevent crime, but object to the government’s attempts to legislate the lives of American citizens. A statement released by the Michigan Militia group has been endorsed by The American Communist Party and Young Americans for America (YAA). It states that “the American government shouldn’t be ruling our lives. Sure the crime would go down, but we won’t give up our guns. They can legislate all they want in Washington, but they can’t take our anarchy.” The Militia later augmented its statement by adding “so there” to the end.
In the initial press release, the president extended an invitation to other countries in the United Nations and the developing world to solve their problems of crime, the breakdown of the family, and overpopulation, “the American way.” It is expected that with current research supporting the view of testosterone as a harmful drug, the UN will soon add “forced retention of naturally degenerate anatomy” to its list of human rights violations. Countries that do not have the funds required to offer free and sanitary castration facilities may apply to the UN for financial support. If other nations refuse to comply with UN regulations, they may face severe sanctions in the future. “It’s time for us all to be released from the tyranny of our biology,” the president said. “It’s time for us to put down the sword and pick up the knife, to fight for American freedoms.”
The government plans to offer a grace period of approximately two months to men who would like to continue to live in their natural mental and physical conditions. Those men who prefer to retain their procreative abilities are being offered asylum in France, which according to the statement of the DDA is “a country that continues, even in this late-modern era, to flaunt and wallow in its own sensuality.”
Vacation Prices Up: Paris, Nice
The prices of airfare to France have risen 5000% in the last three weeks, making the European country the most expensive place to vacation in 2003. The U.S. embassy has agreed to expedite the visa process in order to meet the demands of the public, giving priority to the approximately 75 million men who have requested refugee status.
Federal Crime Rates Increase
In the last month, federal crime rates have risen 200%. According to the FBI, almost all perpetrators are Caucasian males. Most crimes are non-violent and do not pose a threat to citizens, the bureau reported, although most are punishable by imprisonment.
“The really strange thing is that they’ve been calling themselves in,” said one agent, who asked to remain anonymous. “Everyone from crooked CEOs and tax evaders, to people who read their neighbor’s mail. The phone hasn’t stopped ringing. We’ve had to install more public lines to handle the demand.” Continued on A6
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This was the result of a college assignment for which we were asked to model some aspect of a famous essay. Obviously, I chose Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal," and then departed from his form by writing it as a news article.
Consider this posting (and the last one) my tribute to Valentine's Day.
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