The following are instructions on how to use these phrases effectively as a joke, and why and how to avoid them under other circumstances.
Past editions of "Phrases That Never Help" can be found here, here and here.
"Don't do anything rash/stupid."
As a joke: This phrase functions best in response to someone's announcement that they're about to do something completely reasonable and necessary, such as wash the dishes. Don't overplay the sarcasm; a light touch keeps this phrase hilarious even after many uses.
For real: The person you're advising has probably already decided to do something stupid by the time you utter this phrase. Your advice only indicates your disapproval at that point, making it less likely that you'll get a front-row seat for the monster-truck-rally-type disaster that's about to ensue. (And who wants to miss Gravedigger?)
It's also possible that the advisee is still on the fence; in this case, the phrase only distances you from the person you're trying to convince. Like the obsessed or the worrier, people about to act stupidly usually don't recognize that what they're going to do is stupid. Even if they do, most people don't like to be reminded of their own stupidity-capacity, despite its humanity-wide prevalence.
Instead of telling the advisee not to be stupid, then, bring their focus around to possible actions or ideas that may be smart: "let's mop the kitchen floor," "how about getting some ice cream" or "why don't you adopt that pet tortoise you've always wanted, instead" may get the advisee in a better frame of mind.
"I only say this because I love you/care about you."
As a joke: This phrase is funny when used straight-faced before giving a compliment, since it makes the listener feel you are about to insult them -- the tension of about-to-be-insulted releases into laughter when you actually say something nice.
For real: Placed before a piece of advice, this phrase puts the listener automatically on edge. (See also "No offense, but...")
Placed after some badly received advice, the phrase can be at best ineffective, at worst, offensive. If the listener doesn't recognize the love you hold for them from what you've just said and the tone in which you've said it, this phrase will not convince them. It's more likely to make them think you have to keep reminding yourself of this love/care.
You'd be better off halting in the midst of your bad-advice-giving, and apologizing: "I'm sorry. I've suddenly realized that I'm being an ass."
That would be a real sign of love.
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
As a joke: This works best if you are a person of extremes: either extremely straight-laced and not likely to ever do anything remotely questionable, or a daredevil currently high on badly mixed heroin or meth you made in your basement.
For real: This phrase has one advantage over other typical advice phrases, which is that it reveals the true raison d'etre of advice-giving: to get the advisee to act exactly as you feel you would act in a given situation.
Anyone reaching the point of seriously uttering this phrase should stop speaking immediately and seek help.
After you've received your share of advice, you should be able to return to the previous conversation, knowing better.
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Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Phrases That Never Help
I often think it's funny to say things that are never helpful--it points out how useless saying them really is. But be careful. I've found that a dry sense of humor can make an attempt at a joke into an awkward moment for everyone, while your listeners try to figure out if you're serious (and a social dimwit) or joking. By the time they get the joke, it's usually not funny anymore.
The following are instructions on how to use these phrases effectively as a joke, and why and how to avoid them under other circumstances.
"Calm down."
As a joke: You can say this to someone who is sitting quietly, reading a book, or otherwise not bothering you in any way. This is especially effective used on someone who is never excitable, such as an entymologist.
For real: Either the person you're saying this to is actually upset about something, in which case your saying "calm down" will almost certainly fail to have the desired effect, or they don't perceive themselves as being worked up and you've succeeded in pointing out their embarrassing volume level.
Perhaps instead, you could say "You're being loud and embarrassing me, which is just as important as the fact that Brian left you pregnant at the altar on the day all your kittens died. Have a little self-respect!"
That'll shut them up.
"You're not ugly."
As a joke: Never use this as a joke. Under certain circumstances, it may be used as a drastic understatement, but be aware that many models have fragile egos and cannot be counted on to detect the irony.
For real: This reassurance is especially useless when it is unsolicited. If someone is sitting there, minding her own business, and you look over and say (as though you'd been thinking it over and reached a conclusion) "you're not ugly," you're implying that you had been thinking that she was. The fact that you've now seen the error of your ways is not enough to redeem this remark; the implied end of the sentence is "but you're not pretty, either." And anyway, who asked you.
It is also useless to say this to someone fishing for a compliment. In fact, there are really only two ways to deal with someone complaining "I'm ugly/fat/an alcoholic": The first is to go over there and say, if you can say it honestly, "Not to me. To me, you're beautiful/exactly the right size/a moderate social drinker."
The second, which is the one I usually choose, is to sit back and say "Well, I'VE always thought so."
"Really?"
As a joke: You can say this in order to point out that whatever has just been said is obvious. Take care to select the proper "sarcastic voice" for this, or people will think you're legitimately offended. Maybe you should practice this first.
For real: The trouble with this word is that it implies a lack of belief in what has just been said, and is ultimately an accusation of liarhood against the speaker.
At some point, though, all of us, however diligently we struggle to avoid it, will be surprised by some fact or statement and blurt out "really?" in response. It's best to try to cover up the slight of the word by immediately following it with what we really meant, i.e. "I'm surprised!" or "That's crazy!" or "What do you mean a telephone pole has fallen on my car?"
More phrases that never help as I come across them.
The following are instructions on how to use these phrases effectively as a joke, and why and how to avoid them under other circumstances.
"Calm down."
As a joke: You can say this to someone who is sitting quietly, reading a book, or otherwise not bothering you in any way. This is especially effective used on someone who is never excitable, such as an entymologist.
For real: Either the person you're saying this to is actually upset about something, in which case your saying "calm down" will almost certainly fail to have the desired effect, or they don't perceive themselves as being worked up and you've succeeded in pointing out their embarrassing volume level.
Perhaps instead, you could say "You're being loud and embarrassing me, which is just as important as the fact that Brian left you pregnant at the altar on the day all your kittens died. Have a little self-respect!"
That'll shut them up.
"You're not ugly."
As a joke: Never use this as a joke. Under certain circumstances, it may be used as a drastic understatement, but be aware that many models have fragile egos and cannot be counted on to detect the irony.
For real: This reassurance is especially useless when it is unsolicited. If someone is sitting there, minding her own business, and you look over and say (as though you'd been thinking it over and reached a conclusion) "you're not ugly," you're implying that you had been thinking that she was. The fact that you've now seen the error of your ways is not enough to redeem this remark; the implied end of the sentence is "but you're not pretty, either." And anyway, who asked you.
It is also useless to say this to someone fishing for a compliment. In fact, there are really only two ways to deal with someone complaining "I'm ugly/fat/an alcoholic": The first is to go over there and say, if you can say it honestly, "Not to me. To me, you're beautiful/exactly the right size/a moderate social drinker."
The second, which is the one I usually choose, is to sit back and say "Well, I'VE always thought so."
"Really?"
As a joke: You can say this in order to point out that whatever has just been said is obvious. Take care to select the proper "sarcastic voice" for this, or people will think you're legitimately offended. Maybe you should practice this first.
For real: The trouble with this word is that it implies a lack of belief in what has just been said, and is ultimately an accusation of liarhood against the speaker.
At some point, though, all of us, however diligently we struggle to avoid it, will be surprised by some fact or statement and blurt out "really?" in response. It's best to try to cover up the slight of the word by immediately following it with what we really meant, i.e. "I'm surprised!" or "That's crazy!" or "What do you mean a telephone pole has fallen on my car?"
More phrases that never help as I come across them.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Phrases That Never Help: Verbal Flair Edition
The concept of "flair," made familiar to us by Office Space, can be applied to conversations as well as to corporate waitstaff uniforms, to indicate words or phrases that imply a spirited interest in a conversation or person.
Used excessively, verbal flair can parodize the entire statement to which it is attached; it is thus also a useful tool for making a joke. Be careful, however, not to overdo the flair when attempting to be serious. Once a conversation has been over-flaired, it is extremely difficult to convince the other party that you meant whatever you said.
"Verbal flair" will not necessarily hurt a conversation like most phrases that never help; it is, however, by definition, superfluous to the conversation, and thus never truly helps.
"...I always say."
For real: Adding this phrase to the end of a statement that agrees with whatever point the other person has just made shows that you are interested in not only emphasizing your current agreement with said person, but also have always thought likewise.
As a joke: Use this phrase at the end of especially ridiculous or specific statements, as in "Good thing we have a vice president who accidentally shot his friend in the face, I always say," or "Always brush your teeth before heading off to OTB, I always say."
"...I reckon."
For real: You may use this phrase to soften the blow of an oppositional statement, if speaking with someone who may be sensitive to contradiction. The qualification of the phrase combined with its associations with "hillbillies," who are assumed to be less intelligent, will make the person you're contradicting feel superior enough to you to accept what you are saying without argument or offense.
As a joke: You may use this phrase as a joke in two distinct ways. The first, more obvious "beginner's" way, is to say it as though you were a "hick" from Appalachia -- "ah reckin" -- but take care; this joke has been overused and was never that clever to begin with.
Used excessively, verbal flair can parodize the entire statement to which it is attached; it is thus also a useful tool for making a joke. Be careful, however, not to overdo the flair when attempting to be serious. Once a conversation has been over-flaired, it is extremely difficult to convince the other party that you meant whatever you said.
"Verbal flair" will not necessarily hurt a conversation like most phrases that never help; it is, however, by definition, superfluous to the conversation, and thus never truly helps.
"...I always say."
For real: Adding this phrase to the end of a statement that agrees with whatever point the other person has just made shows that you are interested in not only emphasizing your current agreement with said person, but also have always thought likewise.
As a joke: Use this phrase at the end of especially ridiculous or specific statements, as in "Good thing we have a vice president who accidentally shot his friend in the face, I always say," or "Always brush your teeth before heading off to OTB, I always say."
"...I reckon."
For real: You may use this phrase to soften the blow of an oppositional statement, if speaking with someone who may be sensitive to contradiction. The qualification of the phrase combined with its associations with "hillbillies," who are assumed to be less intelligent, will make the person you're contradicting feel superior enough to you to accept what you are saying without argument or offense.
As a joke: You may use this phrase as a joke in two distinct ways. The first, more obvious "beginner's" way, is to say it as though you were a "hick" from Appalachia -- "ah reckin" -- but take care; this joke has been overused and was never that clever to begin with.
For more advanced humorists, the phrase can be added, crisply enunciated, to any statement that couldn't possibly require "reckoning," either because it is an obvious fact or because it cannot be figured -- i.e. "That sky there is blue, I reckon" or "I reckon fourteen planets are enough."
"...by golly."
For real: As with all verbal flair, this phrase adds to the conversation only an invitation for the other person to condescend to you -- not meaning. "By golly," however, may also serve as a reminder to someone with an unpalatable tendency to use harsher or less cultured terms -- replacing "g*ddamn," for instance -- and allowing her to calibrate her language to the appropriate register without needing to initiate a sit-down talk on the issue.
As a joke: This phrase can be used in casual circumstances to mock someone who refuses to use harsher or less cultured terms, such as "g*ddamn."
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Phrases So Out of Proportion That They Are Never Appropriate
As with phrases that never help, phrases so out of proportion that they are never appropriate can be funny, under the right circumstances. I use them in my everyday life whenever I encounter a minor difficulty, which is the only time that they will be funny to the speaker. These phrases are always funny to a listener with an ear for irony and/or little investment in the situation at hand, but may be exasperating to a listener who feels the speaker is being serious—and cares.
The following are examples of such phrases, each with a discussion of fictional situations in which they might conceivably become appropriate, and instruction on their use as jokes in everyday life.
"All is lost!"
Fictional situations in which it might become appropriate: Nuclear holocaust, after which you are one of two survivors and the other survivor is blind and has asked what you see; while standing on the bow of the last available warship as a giant squid pulls it under; as a “Lost & Found” clerk, when answering the question “Where’s the ‘Found’ department?”
Instructions on its use: As melodrama goes, "all is lost" is top-notch. Unfortunately, it's difficult to pull off farcically in person, unless you have a flair for faking a mounting hysteria. Even then, it can be off-putting to those who are annoyed instead of amused by hysteria.
My advice is to deadpan this one. Keep a straight face and use a monotone voice, with perhaps a hint of irony. You may want to elaborate for impact, adding “oh no, oh no” or “we’re all going to die.”
"We're NEVER going to get there/finish this!"
Fictional situations in which it might become appropriate: [in dismay] On the way to X location, you get stuck in a sinkhole and are being rapidly sucked into the earth, and your one regret is that you will never arrive at X; [in shock] on the sudden realization that you have been cursed by the gods to push a stone up a hill all day and chase it down all night, or are trapped in the movie Groundhog Day.
Instructions on its use: This phrase must be whiny in order to be effective—but any joke that involves whining should be used sparingly, and with discretion, since fake whining is often just as annoying as its real counterpart. Still, there are two scenarios in which this out-of-proportion phrase could be used successfully.
First, there is the short whine, in which you, the speaker, say the phrase one time in order to mock your own impatience. Tone is key for the short whine; you may want to overdo it a bit to make it clear that you are not serious. Then drop the subject.
Second, there is the remedial, or corrective whine. As with the short whine, this should be used only to mock your own impatience, specifically when you realize that you have been actually whining and are annoying the listener. Pushing your whine up a notch and then laughing should release the tension of the situation (which has built as the listener wishes you would stop whining) and allow the listener to gracefully dodge the need to lie (i.e., “No, I WANT to hear what you have to say. You’re not annoying me at ALL”).
“I might as well be dead!”
Fictional situations in which it might become appropriate: On discovering that the afterlife is exactly the same in precisely every way, as this one.
Instructions on its use: As with all phrases so out of proportion that they are never appropriate, this phrase is best used when the stakes are so small as to be, literally, laughable. Some examples of this type of situation include receiving a minor injury (very shallow paper-cut, stubbed toe, broken nail), acting like an idiot in front of someone you “like,” or having to wait in a long line at the Home Depot. Again, use this hyperbole sparingly, as it becomes less funny the more it’s used.
The following are examples of such phrases, each with a discussion of fictional situations in which they might conceivably become appropriate, and instruction on their use as jokes in everyday life.
"All is lost!"
Fictional situations in which it might become appropriate: Nuclear holocaust, after which you are one of two survivors and the other survivor is blind and has asked what you see; while standing on the bow of the last available warship as a giant squid pulls it under; as a “Lost & Found” clerk, when answering the question “Where’s the ‘Found’ department?”
Instructions on its use: As melodrama goes, "all is lost" is top-notch. Unfortunately, it's difficult to pull off farcically in person, unless you have a flair for faking a mounting hysteria. Even then, it can be off-putting to those who are annoyed instead of amused by hysteria.
My advice is to deadpan this one. Keep a straight face and use a monotone voice, with perhaps a hint of irony. You may want to elaborate for impact, adding “oh no, oh no” or “we’re all going to die.”
"We're NEVER going to get there/finish this!"
Fictional situations in which it might become appropriate: [in dismay] On the way to X location, you get stuck in a sinkhole and are being rapidly sucked into the earth, and your one regret is that you will never arrive at X; [in shock] on the sudden realization that you have been cursed by the gods to push a stone up a hill all day and chase it down all night, or are trapped in the movie Groundhog Day.
Instructions on its use: This phrase must be whiny in order to be effective—but any joke that involves whining should be used sparingly, and with discretion, since fake whining is often just as annoying as its real counterpart. Still, there are two scenarios in which this out-of-proportion phrase could be used successfully.
First, there is the short whine, in which you, the speaker, say the phrase one time in order to mock your own impatience. Tone is key for the short whine; you may want to overdo it a bit to make it clear that you are not serious. Then drop the subject.
Second, there is the remedial, or corrective whine. As with the short whine, this should be used only to mock your own impatience, specifically when you realize that you have been actually whining and are annoying the listener. Pushing your whine up a notch and then laughing should release the tension of the situation (which has built as the listener wishes you would stop whining) and allow the listener to gracefully dodge the need to lie (i.e., “No, I WANT to hear what you have to say. You’re not annoying me at ALL”).
“I might as well be dead!”
Fictional situations in which it might become appropriate: On discovering that the afterlife is exactly the same in precisely every way, as this one.
Instructions on its use: As with all phrases so out of proportion that they are never appropriate, this phrase is best used when the stakes are so small as to be, literally, laughable. Some examples of this type of situation include receiving a minor injury (very shallow paper-cut, stubbed toe, broken nail), acting like an idiot in front of someone you “like,” or having to wait in a long line at the Home Depot. Again, use this hyperbole sparingly, as it becomes less funny the more it’s used.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Phrases That Never Help: Lies and Damn Lies Edition
The following are instructions on how to use these phrases effectively as a joke, and why and how to avoid them under other circumstances.
Past editions of "Phrases That Never Help" can be found here and here.
"It's not you, it's me."
As a joke: Say this anytime it's 1. unrelated to a romantic relationship, and 2. it's obviously you.
For real: This phrase actually creates miscommunication. There mere act of saying it can be interpreted roughly as "I am willfully sabotaging real communication in order to shorten this conversation."
Though an understandable novice's error, and as helpful as it often seems to shorten break-up conversations, the problem with this lie is that the liar believes it's a lie, while the listener knows it's true.
The positive effect of this "lie" is that listeners can roll their eyes as they walk away, congratulating themselves on having just gotten rid of someone who would say something so inane, so cluelessly.
"The dog ate my homework."
As a joke: Say this anytime no one is talking about homework. Be persistent: The fourth or fifth time, it will become funny.
For real: The classic didn't-do-your-homework line, this lie has one fatal flaw: So what, even if it's true?
You should've done it over again.
"...I swear!"
As a joke: Add this to the end of a sentence whose assertion has never been called into question.
For real: This lie, like others, reveals itself in the saying. Substituting "I'm lying to you right now!" for this phrase does not change the communicated content.
Past editions of "Phrases That Never Help" can be found here and here.
"It's not you, it's me."
As a joke: Say this anytime it's 1. unrelated to a romantic relationship, and 2. it's obviously you.
For real: This phrase actually creates miscommunication. There mere act of saying it can be interpreted roughly as "I am willfully sabotaging real communication in order to shorten this conversation."
Though an understandable novice's error, and as helpful as it often seems to shorten break-up conversations, the problem with this lie is that the liar believes it's a lie, while the listener knows it's true.
The positive effect of this "lie" is that listeners can roll their eyes as they walk away, congratulating themselves on having just gotten rid of someone who would say something so inane, so cluelessly.
"The dog ate my homework."
As a joke: Say this anytime no one is talking about homework. Be persistent: The fourth or fifth time, it will become funny.
For real: The classic didn't-do-your-homework line, this lie has one fatal flaw: So what, even if it's true?
You should've done it over again.
"...I swear!"
As a joke: Add this to the end of a sentence whose assertion has never been called into question.
For real: This lie, like others, reveals itself in the saying. Substituting "I'm lying to you right now!" for this phrase does not change the communicated content.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Phrases that Never Help, II
Again, below are instructions on how to use these phrases effectively as a joke, and why and how to avoid them under other circumstances.
“Stop obsessing.”
As a joke: You can say this as the culmination to a series of unfounded accusations that the mockee is obsessing over person X or event Y, which is effective particularly if the supposed object of obsession is you, the mocker.
For real: By definition, an obsession is all-consuming, and rare is the two-word-combination that can stop it. (“I do” and “fuck off” are likely exceptions.) The person obsessing is likely in actual distress, but probably does not realize or will not admit it—the state of obsession seems natural and good to them.
Do not attempt to mock the obsessed—who have proven that they have enough focus and drive to take you out if they choose—directly; instead, ascribe the obsessed’s actions to the object of the obsession, i.e. “I bet person X is writing his first name with your last name on every page of his notebook right now, too”; “Person X probably followed you home tonight and rifled through your trash to see what you had for dinner”; etc.
You may also consider inventing your own parallel obsession, countering each of the obsessed’s revelations of minutiae with your own: “Person Y read four out of five of the ‘Humor in Uniform’ stories in the bathroom today.”
It’s possible that through this the obsessed will recognize their personal excesses, but more likely that you will simply be amusing yourself.
That’s all right. It’s important to take time out for yourself in the midst of a crisis.
“Stop worrying.”
As a joke: Similar to “stop obsessing,” though on the whole, less funny.
For real: Telling a worrier to stop worrying will have the opposite of the intended effect, since you’ve now shown them that you are not willing to share the necessary work of preventing disaster through worrying it away. Now they’ll have to do your part of the worrying, too.
The only way to unclench a worrywart is to beat them at their own game. For every new anxiety they mention, respond, eyes wide with concern, “I know—we’re probably all going to die! Probably from this!”
If they object, up the ante until they give up: puppies will be born with grotesque birth defects; well water everywhere will be poisoned; “owls will deafen us with their incessant hooting,” etc.
“Chill out.”
Var. “calm down”—see previous entry.
“No offense, but…”
As a joke: You can use this phrase in select company when you are sure the listeners are in agreement with you, against a third party who is not present, if you follow with something obviously offensive. This is only funny when it is directed at a famous figure for whom none of you have much sympathy, such as the president or Pat Robertson; otherwise, it is cruel.
For real: You will never fail to offend if you begin your remarks with this phrase. Whatever its original meaning, it has now become the verbal equivalent of throwing down the gauntlet; you are signaling your intention to offend while indicating that you refuse responsibility for the offense, which is offensive in itself. Upon hearing it, listeners will immediately begin being offended. This phrase, which is supposedly meant to disarm, is additionally annoying because it’s disingenuous.
Instead of feigning respect for the person to whom you are speaking, then, you might try some refreshing honesty: “I was just thinking something rotten about you and wanted to let you know” or “I feel an obligation to the world at large to tell you to take a bath/discipline your child/go to hell.”
Or you could just keep your mouth shut.
“Stop obsessing.”
As a joke: You can say this as the culmination to a series of unfounded accusations that the mockee is obsessing over person X or event Y, which is effective particularly if the supposed object of obsession is you, the mocker.
For real: By definition, an obsession is all-consuming, and rare is the two-word-combination that can stop it. (“I do” and “fuck off” are likely exceptions.) The person obsessing is likely in actual distress, but probably does not realize or will not admit it—the state of obsession seems natural and good to them.
Do not attempt to mock the obsessed—who have proven that they have enough focus and drive to take you out if they choose—directly; instead, ascribe the obsessed’s actions to the object of the obsession, i.e. “I bet person X is writing his first name with your last name on every page of his notebook right now, too”; “Person X probably followed you home tonight and rifled through your trash to see what you had for dinner”; etc.
You may also consider inventing your own parallel obsession, countering each of the obsessed’s revelations of minutiae with your own: “Person Y read four out of five of the ‘Humor in Uniform’ stories in the bathroom today.”
It’s possible that through this the obsessed will recognize their personal excesses, but more likely that you will simply be amusing yourself.
That’s all right. It’s important to take time out for yourself in the midst of a crisis.
“Stop worrying.”
As a joke: Similar to “stop obsessing,” though on the whole, less funny.
For real: Telling a worrier to stop worrying will have the opposite of the intended effect, since you’ve now shown them that you are not willing to share the necessary work of preventing disaster through worrying it away. Now they’ll have to do your part of the worrying, too.
The only way to unclench a worrywart is to beat them at their own game. For every new anxiety they mention, respond, eyes wide with concern, “I know—we’re probably all going to die! Probably from this!”
If they object, up the ante until they give up: puppies will be born with grotesque birth defects; well water everywhere will be poisoned; “owls will deafen us with their incessant hooting,” etc.
“Chill out.”
Var. “calm down”—see previous entry.
“No offense, but…”
As a joke: You can use this phrase in select company when you are sure the listeners are in agreement with you, against a third party who is not present, if you follow with something obviously offensive. This is only funny when it is directed at a famous figure for whom none of you have much sympathy, such as the president or Pat Robertson; otherwise, it is cruel.
For real: You will never fail to offend if you begin your remarks with this phrase. Whatever its original meaning, it has now become the verbal equivalent of throwing down the gauntlet; you are signaling your intention to offend while indicating that you refuse responsibility for the offense, which is offensive in itself. Upon hearing it, listeners will immediately begin being offended. This phrase, which is supposedly meant to disarm, is additionally annoying because it’s disingenuous.
Instead of feigning respect for the person to whom you are speaking, then, you might try some refreshing honesty: “I was just thinking something rotten about you and wanted to let you know” or “I feel an obligation to the world at large to tell you to take a bath/discipline your child/go to hell.”
Or you could just keep your mouth shut.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
2008 in CU review, cont.
Movie reviews:
Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer
Fievel Goes West
Gidget, Gidget Goes To Rome
Monster's Ball
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
Oldboy
Smokey and the Bandit, II
Spring Subway
Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At Her
Phrases that never help:
"All is lost!"
"...by golly."
"Calm down."
"Chill out."
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
"Don't do anything stupid."
"...I always say."
"I might as well be dead!"
"I only say this because I love/care about you."
"...I reckon."
"...I swear!"
"It's not you, it's me."
"No offense, but..."
"Really?"
"Stop obsessing."
"Stop worrying."
"The dog ate my homework."
"We're NEVER going to get there/finish this!"
"You're not ugly."
As always, if you'd like a copy of any of these mixes, send your address to Alicia's email.
Mixes:
@#%$ [Explicit]
Anaerobic
Animals
B*tches & Ho's
Chill Outz
Colors
Computer Future
Fire + Water
Free 5
GRRL PWWR
GRRL PWWR 2
I'm just sayin'
Lloyd Dobler
LUVV 4-EVR
Music to Die For
NO, it's NOT country, SHUT UP, LA LA LA
NOW 1.0
NOW 2.0
"Oh Trevor! I pine for you..."
Plants
Scientology
Stalkermix
Their eyes were watching YOU.
What should I be for Halloween?
Year
Political mixes:
All Together Now: Pinko-Commie mix for Hippies
Democratic Republic Patriots (In a Consumer Age)
Fascism Familiar
Long Live the Patrolling Militia!: Anarchy Mix
Road trip mixes:
Get the hell outta Dodge
To all the Homies, in honor of Homecoming
I Heart Road Trips
End-of-the-world mixes:
Apocalixx
Apocalixx 2
Apocalypse is Fun!!
Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer
Fievel Goes West
Gidget, Gidget Goes To Rome
Monster's Ball
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
Oldboy
Smokey and the Bandit, II
Spring Subway
Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At Her
Phrases that never help:
"All is lost!"
"...by golly."
"Calm down."
"Chill out."
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
"Don't do anything stupid."
"...I always say."
"I might as well be dead!"
"I only say this because I love/care about you."
"...I reckon."
"...I swear!"
"It's not you, it's me."
"No offense, but..."
"Really?"
"Stop obsessing."
"Stop worrying."
"The dog ate my homework."
"We're NEVER going to get there/finish this!"
"You're not ugly."
As always, if you'd like a copy of any of these mixes, send your address to Alicia's email.
Mixes:
@#%$ [Explicit]
Anaerobic
Animals
B*tches & Ho's
Chill Outz
Colors
Computer Future
Fire + Water
Free 5
GRRL PWWR
GRRL PWWR 2
I'm just sayin'
Lloyd Dobler
LUVV 4-EVR
Music to Die For
NO, it's NOT country, SHUT UP, LA LA LA
NOW 1.0
NOW 2.0
"Oh Trevor! I pine for you..."
Plants
Scientology
Stalkermix
Their eyes were watching YOU.
What should I be for Halloween?
Year
Political mixes:
All Together Now: Pinko-Commie mix for Hippies
Democratic Republic Patriots (In a Consumer Age)
Fascism Familiar
Long Live the Patrolling Militia!: Anarchy Mix
Road trip mixes:
Get the hell outta Dodge
To all the Homies, in honor of Homecoming
I Heart Road Trips
End-of-the-world mixes:
Apocalixx
Apocalixx 2
Apocalypse is Fun!!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Special Features Commentary: Calendarsthenics on CU
Well, all, on the eve of failing for a second month to do all I tacitly promised to do here on CU, I decided my first month of meeting my post-number goals should end with a listing of all I haven't done, and more.
Over the last eight months or so, I've built up a set of expectations that have slowly congealed and eventually hardened into requirements for CU. You may have sensed the presence of these internal regulations already, but thanks to my not always following them, you might have figured they were more like guidelines than rules.
You were wrong. They're rules. I just keep breaking them.
So as to keep your scorecard more accurately riddled with my errors, and to cleanse my guilt over not posting a movie review for two months in a row, now, here's what you can expect from CU, both in the past and in the future.
Remember, though, the telos of Continue Unprotected: My posting a schedule of events is just as likely to cause me to aspire to offend you by continually flouting it as it is to keep me on task.
Posting frequency: I expect myself to post two items a day, ideally one long and one short.
Type of post, and frequency:
Once a week: At least one PSA and one Local Trivia; SYD reviews in season
Twice a month: Confessions
Once a month: Movie Review, In Defense of Poppery, Quantifiable Living, Accusations, Unsolicited Advice, New word, something involving Freud, something involving my personal life or family
Special features, to be posted as inspired: Phrases That Never Help, Mix CD lists, Carte Blanche answers
Anyone who wants to count up the percentage of this schedule I've stuck to and give me some kind of score is welcome to.
Just don't tell me about it.
Over the last eight months or so, I've built up a set of expectations that have slowly congealed and eventually hardened into requirements for CU. You may have sensed the presence of these internal regulations already, but thanks to my not always following them, you might have figured they were more like guidelines than rules.
You were wrong. They're rules. I just keep breaking them.
So as to keep your scorecard more accurately riddled with my errors, and to cleanse my guilt over not posting a movie review for two months in a row, now, here's what you can expect from CU, both in the past and in the future.
Remember, though, the telos of Continue Unprotected: My posting a schedule of events is just as likely to cause me to aspire to offend you by continually flouting it as it is to keep me on task.
Posting frequency: I expect myself to post two items a day, ideally one long and one short.
Type of post, and frequency:
Once a week: At least one PSA and one Local Trivia; SYD reviews in season
Twice a month: Confessions
Once a month: Movie Review, In Defense of Poppery, Quantifiable Living, Accusations, Unsolicited Advice, New word, something involving Freud, something involving my personal life or family
Special features, to be posted as inspired: Phrases That Never Help, Mix CD lists, Carte Blanche answers
Anyone who wants to count up the percentage of this schedule I've stuck to and give me some kind of score is welcome to.
Just don't tell me about it.
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