Confessions XIX

Today I tried on the "Today's My Day" t-shirt I got from the Ground Round when I had my birthday party there, just to see.

It fit.

That Ground Round party was for my fifth birthday.

Confessions XVI

My favorite colors, in chronological order: purple, (chicory) blue, orange

My Halloween costumes, in chronological order: a tiger, Rainbow Brite, an Indian (paper bag costume), a babushka

My nature-and-natural-disaster-related phobias, in chronological order: thunderstorms, killer bees, venemous snakes, venemous spiders, tornadoes, lightning

Confessions XI

I have a pair of suspenders hanging on a towel rack in my bathroom -- I bought them just in case I ever found pants they would go with.

Now that I no longer have short hair, I will likely never wear those suspenders. Nor the clip-on ones in my bedroom.

I clicked on the Dr Pepper ad in my email account two days ago in an effort to see more of those and less of the seizure-inducing "THIS IS NO JOKE -- YOU ARE 100,000 CUSTOMER!" ad; then I looked through all the decade-themed Dr Pepper ads before closing out.

Confessions XII

I just ordered the following CDs:

Bullfrogs and Butterflies: God Loves Fun
Bullfrogs and Butterflies: God Is my Friend
The Story of Little Tree

The site I bought them from advertises its hotline number as 1-800-Christian. I bought them anyway.

The site also asks purchasers to donate money to Focus on the Family -- James Dobson's charity -- but I bought them anyway. (Without donating any money.)

(Anyone who wants to partake in my inner conflict over this purchase may request copies.)

Confessions XXXIX

I ordered "Fievel Goes West" on DVD from Amazon this week, because I think it's the best sequel ever (at least animated; I'd give in to "Empire Strikes Back"-o-philes) with an all-star cast including John Cleese, Dom Deluise, and Jimmy Stewart in his last movie ever.

I also ordered "Christmas Eve on Sesame Street" (aka, "October Eve on Sesame Street" for Mellingerites who didn't want any reference to Christmas two months in advance).

I already own "Milo and Otis," the first season of "Thundercats," and much of the first season of "Fraggle Rock" and "Masters of the Universe," though I almost never even consider watching them; owning them has a security-blanket effect.

Confessions XXVIII

I preferred boxed mac and cheese to homemade as a kid.

I preferred margarine to butter as a kid -- I still do on saltines, though not for cooking.

Taking my fake Christmas tree out of the box Friday night, I inhaled and realized that I love the smell of artificial Christmas trees -- probably in the same way normal, reasonable people love the smell of real ones.

Confessions XX

I heart:

petting small rabbits.

coconut.

the phrase "hold your horses."

Confessions XV

As a little girl: I never, ever planned my wedding. (My Barbies and My Little Ponies were either married or single -- they also never planned weddings.)

I felt forced to choose between pink and purple for favorite colors. (And so chose, of course, purple.)

I kept a mental list of my best friends in order from first best to fifteenth, always with my childhood friend Megan at the top -- this despite my ranking at fifth or sixth on her list, which she would recite to me on request -- until I met Van in fifth grade. (Midway through middle school, I stopped ranking friends.)

Confessions, IX

I have no fewer than 45 cups/glasses/mugs in my house.

I own two pairs of suspenders, but no appropriate pants or shirts to wear them with.

Until this past week, I had candy in a basket in my living room, some of which was at least a year and a half old and most of which was gross.

Confessions XLVII

I find that accomplishing things, for me, means juggling distractions: that is, I carefully select from the list of things to do at least one thing that needs doing vitally, urgently, NOW, and a few other things that not only don't need doing now, but may never need to be done.

I then throw them all up in the air and keep them all going until I get tired and have to take a nap.

This keeps me from the crushing, guilty knowledge that the Thing That Needs Doing hadn't been done when it should have been (and somehow it never, ever was), and allows me to focus on things that otherwise might never have gotten my proper attention -- which is to say, that sideways, peripheral attention that allows an honors student perfectionist to do something creative, despite herself.

Over the years, I've been in the process of realizing this. But in the fashion of the exact way that I'm describing, this way of doing things, I've only come onto the knowledge out of the corner of my eye, and slowly, and all while juggling.

...such that getting better at this juggling act has become a thing I'm accomplishing by itself, intrinsically, through apprenticeship -- through that strange and unfortunate self-apprenticeship that no non-perfectionist knows of, but that all arrogant, high-achieving types understand. We must re-invent every wheel.

An initial, accidental talent at juggling leads to more practice at it, which leads to more juggling. And crowds might sometimes gather and praise the achievements, without ever really understanding that I juggle because my hands don't work in other ways, because I've warped them to know only this task, because I can't hold things like they (apparently) can.

The only things that matter to me are the things that are still in motion.

My mind is nimble, but it never rests.

Confessions XXI

I heart Chris Brown.

I just purchased "Exclusive: Forever Edition" because I've been listening to "Forever" on repeat for six days. I spent a good portion of last Saturday afternoon dancing around my apartment to it.

I think his videos are funny, even the one for "Wall to Wall" about how he just can't get all these women to leave him alone, and the pain of needing to choose between them when they're all hot for him and packed in like sardines just to get a chance.

Confessions

Here are some ways in which I have failed the universe.

I enjoy the movie “Ever After,” despite its ridiculous plot and Drew Barrymore’s even-more-ridiculous attempt at an accent. I assume that this is due to some sort of flaw in my character but do not bother to try to correct it.

I once (unthinkingly) used Chinglish to call someone “a fascist pig,” using the Chinese word for pig, zhu, which is pronounced, roughly, “jew.” I therefore ended up saying something like “you fascist Jew.”

I once quoted (or tried to quote) Homer Simpson saying “Sure I’m stupid…stupid like a FOX!” in front of a man named John Fox, who was not familiar with the Simpsons, nor with me. He thought I was calling him stupid.

That’s all for now.

Confessions XXXVII

I have four different gallons of ice cream in my freezer right now.

One of them is a chocolate/vanilla combination that I got for making milkshakes over a year ago.

But I like crystallized ice cream, so even though I got a new vanilla for making root beer floats, I won’t throw the old one away.

Confessions XXXIV

I put a quarter in one of those stupid toy quarter machines at Pizza Hut today, just for kicks, and got a large purple die. (As in "dice.")

I’m thinking of putting another quarter in to see what else I’d get.

…and it’s a heart keyring.

Confessions XL

I never did the following things that little girls are supposed to do: want a pony, plan a “dream wedding,” enjoy wearing dresses after 4 years old, keep up with any fashion styles (until I was 22 – and then they were Chinese fashions).

I never considered myself a tomboy, but I did enjoy the following activities as a kid: picking up worms, bullfrogs, salamanders and especially snakes; riding bikes with my brother; garden-work in general, and getting paid for it in particular; playing kickball in the backyard with infinite “ghost men” and only Ty to play with; sleeping outside on a “bed” of sticks I’d made myself.

Still, I loved the following “girlie” movies in their times: Beauty and the Beast (Disney), Tarzan (Disney), Thumbelina (animated), While You Were Sleeping, Ever After, When Harry Met Sally, Pride and Prejudice (long version), Wives and Daughters (long version), Love Actually.

Confessions, VI

I’ve lost a minimum of 15 lbs. in the past 6 weeks.

When I was little, I gave Tyler pink Silly Putty and told him it was gum.

I’ve never been to Rhode Island, Maine or Canada, and had never been to New York City before the towers fell, despite living the first eighteen years of my life in Connecticut.

Confessions XLII

Last night, taking off my shirt before getting in the shower, I broke my glasses in thirds -- lens-and-arm, lens-and-arm, and nosepiece-and-two-little-pieces-of-glass.

I collapsed into a heap on my kitchen floor and cried for a minute about it, even though I have two other pairs of glasses.

When I was in fifth grade, I was so mad I pounded my bed with my fists, and hit my glasses, which I'd set down in front of me, snapping their plastic frame in half; I cried harder then because I felt so intensely guilty. Now, that incident seems to prove what accidents always seem to prove to me, which is that we have befuddlingly, alarmingly little control over our lives -- even our own actions. This scares me, but is also comforting at times, because it means everything isn't always my fault.

Mix-up: Veronicas

I confess, despite this not being a confessions post, that I bought the Veronicas CD, "Hook Me Up," at Newbury Comics last week. I couldn't help myself.

On listening to it multiple times -- because this kind of perverse addiction never goes down easily -- I began to play a relational Tetris with their themes. When put in a proper order, the fictional woman singing the songs appears to be going through a relationship.

I re-ordered the songs here for your convenience, with original track numbers and a one- to two-sentence summary for each, using the name Veronica to indicate the fictional woman in a relationship and "you" to indicate her crush/boyfriend/ex.

This may be useful if you ever find yourself with the Veronicas album and want to program it to make sense.

Let me know if you have alternate orders that make more sense to you.

*****

1. Untouched: Veronica soooo wants you.

6. Take Me on the Floor: Veronica’s been waiting all night for you to pay attention to her.

8. Popular: Veronica is so awesome she can hardly stand it.

7. I Don’t Wanna Wait: Veronica wants you; now decide whether you want her or not – quickly!

2. Hook Me Up: Veronica wants to go somewhere far away.

4. This Love: Even if Veronica goes away now, you’ll still be together and in love and everything, don’t worry.

5. I Can’t Stay Away: Veronica shouldn’t be with this other guy, but she can’t help it.

9. Revenge Is Sweeter (Than You Ever Were): You left Veronica for someone else, and now you want to be back with Veronica, but that’s too bad, jerk.

3. This Is How It Feels: So you rejected Veronica, did you? Well, now it’s your turn to be rejected.

11. All I Have: If Veronica had realized you’d be this upset, she wouldn’t have slept with that other guy.

12. In Another Life: Veronica really, really loves you, but she can’t stand being so far away from you any more, so she’s breaking up with you. Maybe next time, buddy.

10. Someone Wake Me Up: You and Veronica broke up; it was a mutual thing, but it still really pains her.

13. Goodbye to You: Bye.

Confessions XLIV

Last night I ate honey roasted peanuts for dinner. Later I regretted it.

I also spent most of the waking hours of my shift watching Parks and Recreation, 30 Rock and Better Off Ted on hulu -- though this is allowed at my job, and so doesn't constitute as big a confession as you might think.

This morning, possibly thanks to my dietary and moral weakness, I woke up with an entire leg asleep. An entire leg. The weakness didn't go away with pins and needles; instead, it seems to have spread to my entire body, giving me even worse posture than usual. Because of a Parks and Rec episode I watched ("why would anyone eat anything other than breakfast food?" "People are stupid, Leslie"), I believe that a Belgian waffle with berries and whipped cream would cure this.

Confessions XXX

I've never been to a strip club or other locale where people take off their clothes for money, but if I were invisible, I would go; I'm fascinated by the whole "scene."

I think the idea of a Brazilian wax is obscene.

I went to the free clinic in New Britain before going to China to have a test for syphilis (required for the visa), and when I answered the woman's question of when I'd last been sexually active ("never"), she told me I probably shouldn't be using the clinic's resources. But if I had to, I would again.