Phrases That Never Help: Lies and Damn Lies Edition

The following are instructions on how to use these phrases effectively as a joke, and why and how to avoid them under other circumstances.

Past editions of "Phrases That Never Help" can be found here and here.

"It's not you, it's me."

As a joke: Say this anytime it's 1. unrelated to a romantic relationship, and 2. it's obviously you.

For real: This phrase actually creates miscommunication. There mere act of saying it can be interpreted roughly as "I am willfully sabotaging real communication in order to shorten this conversation."

Though an understandable novice's error, and as helpful as it often seems to shorten break-up conversations, the problem with this lie is that the liar believes it's a lie, while the listener knows it's true.

The positive effect of this "lie" is that listeners can roll their eyes as they walk away, congratulating themselves on having just gotten rid of someone who would say something so inane, so cluelessly.


"The dog ate my homework."

As a joke: Say this anytime no one is talking about homework. Be persistent: The fourth or fifth time, it will become funny.

For real: The classic didn't-do-your-homework line, this lie has one fatal flaw: So what, even if it's true?

You should've done it over again.


"...I swear!"

As a joke: Add this to the end of a sentence whose assertion has never been called into question.

For real: This lie, like others, reveals itself in the saying. Substituting "I'm lying to you right now!" for this phrase does not change the communicated content.