Phrases That Never Help: Ill-advised Edition

The following are instructions on how to use these phrases effectively as a joke, and why and how to avoid them under other circumstances.

Past editions of "Phrases That Never Help" can be found here, here and here.

"Don't do anything rash/stupid."

As a joke: This phrase functions best in response to someone's announcement that they're about to do something completely reasonable and necessary, such as wash the dishes. Don't overplay the sarcasm; a light touch keeps this phrase hilarious even after many uses.

For real: The person you're advising has probably already decided to do something stupid by the time you utter this phrase. Your advice only indicates your disapproval at that point, making it less likely that you'll get a front-row seat for the monster-truck-rally-type disaster that's about to ensue. (And who wants to miss Gravedigger?)

It's also possible that the advisee is still on the fence; in this case, the phrase only distances you from the person you're trying to convince. Like the obsessed or the worrier, people about to act stupidly usually don't recognize that what they're going to do is stupid. Even if they do, most people don't like to be reminded of their own stupidity-capacity, despite its humanity-wide prevalence.

Instead of telling the advisee not to be stupid, then, bring their focus around to possible actions or ideas that may be smart: "let's mop the kitchen floor," "how about getting some ice cream" or "why don't you adopt that pet tortoise you've always wanted, instead" may get the advisee in a better frame of mind.


"I only say this because I love you/care about you."

As a joke: This phrase is funny when used straight-faced before giving a compliment, since it makes the listener feel you are about to insult them -- the tension of about-to-be-insulted releases into laughter when you actually say something nice.

For real: Placed before a piece of advice, this phrase puts the listener automatically on edge. (See also "No offense, but...")

Placed after some badly received advice, the phrase can be at best ineffective, at worst, offensive. If the listener doesn't recognize the love you hold for them from what you've just said and the tone in which you've said it, this phrase will not convince them. It's more likely to make them think you have to keep reminding yourself of this love/care.

You'd be better off halting in the midst of your bad-advice-giving, and apologizing: "I'm sorry. I've suddenly realized that I'm being an ass."

That would be a real sign of love.


"Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

As a joke: This works best if you are a person of extremes: either extremely straight-laced and not likely to ever do anything remotely questionable, or a daredevil currently high on badly mixed heroin or meth you made in your basement.

For real: This phrase has one advantage over other typical advice phrases, which is that it reveals the true raison d'etre of advice-giving: to get the advisee to act exactly as you feel you would act in a given situation.

Anyone reaching the point of seriously uttering this phrase should stop speaking immediately and seek help.

After you've received your share of advice, you should be able to return to the previous conversation, knowing better.