JESUS THE INSTAPUNDIT

THE OTHER DAY WHEN MY BF BROKE UP WITH ME I PRAYED AND JESUS TOLD ME THAT EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE IF I VOTED FOR JOHN MCCAIN. BECAUSE MCCAIN STANDS FOR THE REPUBLICAN PARTY WHICH IS THE PARTY OF GOD. THE DEMOCRATS WHO ARE AGAINST VALUES ARE AGAINST GOD WHICH IS WHY THEY KEEP LOSING. AND I CALL THEM DEMONCRATS, LOL.

ALSO, PAT ROBERTSON KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT. AND WE SHOULD LISTEN TO HIM.

SO I WENT TO THE STORE AND BOUGHT THE BOOKS BY ANN COULTER AND BILL O'REILLY AND JESUS SAID TO PAY IN CASH, SO I DID. BUT I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR THE TAX EVEN THOUGH I SUPPORT THE TROOPS, SO I HAD TO USE ALL THE PENNIES IN THE PENNY TRAY AND THEN I WAS THIRTEEN CENTS SHORT SO THE CASHIER SAID "GO AHEAD" AND I SAID "GOD BLESS YOU" BECAUSE I FIGURED THAT WAS WORTH THIRTEEN CENTS OR MORE BUT HE ROLLED HIS EYES SO I THOUGHT HE WAS PROBABLY GOING TO HELL ANYWAY. AND EVEN THOUGH HE WAS CUTE HE WILL NEVER BE MY BF BECAUSE HE IS AGAINST GOD AND PROBABLY A DEMONCRAT.

THEN I WENT ONLINE IN THE STARBUCKS WITH THE COMPUTER GOD HAS BLESSED ME WITH AND GOD ALSO BLESSED ME WITH A CHAI LATTE (BUT THIS TIME I HAD TO PAY CREDIT BECAUSE OF THE PENNIES BUT THE FATHER OWNS THE CATTLE ON A THOUSAND HILLS AND WILL HELP ME PAY IT OFF LATER IF I AM FAITHFUL) AND AN HOUR OF INTERNET. AND I FOUND OUT THAT OBAMA IS THE DEMONCRATIC NOMINEE, AND I SAID A PRAYER TO BIND DEMONCRATIC SPIRITS. THEN I LOOKED AT MY BF'S FACEBOOK PROFILE FOR AWHILE TO SEE WHAT HE WAS DOING AND IT SAID HE WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY FRIEND NAOMI AND I WAS SHOCKED AND APPALLED THAT HE WOULD DO THAT. BUT I PRAYED FOR STRENGTH AND REMEMBERED THAT JOHN MCCAIN WAS LIKE THE BEST HOPE FOR THE FUTURE AND IF HE WON GOD SAID I WOULD GET A NEW BF BUT IF HE LOST IT WOULD BE LIKE THE TRIBULATION, SO I WAS DETERMINED TO HELP HIM WIN. AND I DECIDED TO WRITE AN EMAIL TO NAOMI TO TELL HER THAT IT WAS AGAINST GOD'S WILL FOR HER TO GO OUT WITH MY OLD BF WHEN SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND, AND THAT'S A SIN.

I REALLY MISSED MY BF BUT IT WAS A SIN TO CRY WHEN JESUS IS MY BF FOREVER AND SO I BOUGHT ANOTHER CHAI LATTE INSTEAD AND PICKED UP THE NEWSPAPER FROM A TABLE WHERE SOMEONE HAD LEFT IT. THE NEWSPAPER WAS THE NEW YORK TIMES INSTEAD OF THE NEW YORK POST SO I PRAYED A PRAYER AGAINST THE LIES THAT WOULD BE IN THERE AND I DECIDED TO READ THE NATIONAL SECTION ANYWAY AND BELIEVE THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT IT SAYS. BUT THEN I READ THAT OBAMA WHOSE NAME IS LIKE OSAMA SAID HE MAYBE TRIED COCAINE ONCE AND I DECIDED TO BELIEVE THAT AND ONLY THAT INSTEAD OF THE OPPOSITE. BUT FOR THE REST OF IT I BELIEVED THE OPPOSITE. BECAUSE DEMONCRATS LIKE TO LIE ABOUT REPUBLICANS AND GOD, BECAUSE THEY LIKE TO LIVE IN SIN.

AND THEN I THOUGHT, MAYBE NAOMI IS A DEMONCRAT AND THAT'S WHY. SO I WROTE TO MY BF SAYING HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM AND THAT MAYBE NAOMI IS A DEMONCRAT AND HE SHOULD LOOK FOR SOMEONE BETTER, LIKE ME. AND HE SHOULD PRAY ABOUT IT.

I READ ON THE INTERNET THAT OBAMA ALSO READS THE KORAN WHICH IS EVIL EVERY DAY AND DOESN'T REALLY BELIEVE IN JESUS AND IS ONLY SAYING THAT HE DOES SO HE CAN BE THE PRESIDENT AND MAKE AMERICA A GODLESS NATION WHICH IS THE SAME AS THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS. AND I BET HE SAYS HAPPY HOLIDAYS INSTEAD OF MERRY CHRISTMAS, WHICH JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU.

SO I WILL BE WORKING ON THE CAMPAIGN BECAUSE WHATS THE POINT OF STAYING HERE ANYWAY WHEN I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BF. AND I ASKED JESUS WHEN I SHOULD START AND HE SAID RIGHT AWAY SO I GAVE NOTICE ON MY LEASE EVEN THOUGH MY ROOMMATE WASN'T VERY HAPPY BUT I TOLD HER JESUS WILL FIND A WAY AND TO GO ON CRAIGSLIST. BUT MAKE SURE TO PUT "CHRISTIANS ONLY" ON THE AD, I TOLD HER, OR YOU NEVER KNOW WHO YOU MIGHT GET.

TOMORROW I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT WHEN I WENT TO THE GROCERY STORE AND SOME OF THE THINGS ON MY LIST WERE NOT THERE.