Quantifiable Living: Buttons-Loneliness scale (for women)

Emotion: Loneliness (women)

Units of measure: Unbuttoned back buttons

How it works: For women, loneliness can be measured in the number of back buttons left unbuttoned (bbu) by the absence of another person to help button them.

Though in most cases, real-life formalwear includes few or no buttons at the upper back and back of the neck, for the purpose of the scale, a gown that covers the entire back may be imagined. The number of buttons that would be unreachable to a woman wearing the dress while standing up straight, without contorting her arms, bending over or ripping the dress, indicates how lonely she is.

If a woman cannot reach four back buttons without help, she is indicating that she is twice as lonely as if she could not reach two back buttons.

Examples:

You feel an impulse to eat an entire pint of Chunky Monkey: 6 back buttons unbuttoned (bbu)

Your cat has been missing for a week: 14 bbu

You have one acquaintance in the urban area in which you live and no romantic prospects: 26 bbu

For the purpose of the buttons-loneliness scale, the buttons requiring buttoning are average plastic, smooth, flat, pea-sized buttons.

Limits: The bbu quantity should not exceed the number of pea-sized buttons that could possibly fit edge-to-edge across the mid-back to neck of an average-height woman; see elaborations if a higher indicator of loneliness is desired.

Elaborations: Type of dress may be invoked to assist others’ understanding of loneliness levels, though this is usually also measure of social awkwardness and openness to new experiences and meeting new people, rather than of pure loneliness, and so should be cross-referenced with scales for awkwardness and openness, for mathematical accuracy.

A dress revealing the entire back, or involving no buttons, indicates negligible amounts of loneliness: the revealing dress indicates openness to others, while the non-buttoned covered back indicates satisfaction in being alone.

The highest levels of loneliness may be measured in wedding-dress buttons, since a lonely bride (left at the altar, presumably) would likely be experiencing some of the most acute and focused loneliness available.

These levels of loneliness may be accurately measured using only the buttons-loneliness scale because rules regarding how many buttons may fit down an average-height woman’s back, and also how many buttons are deemed “unreachable,” obviously do not apply to wedding dresses. No other scale needs be applied or cross-referenced, though other relevant scales may be applied if desired. Units of measure for wedding-dress buttons are abbreviated “wdbbu.”

Difficulty of buttoning particular types of buttons – fabric-covered round buttons, for instance, rather than smooth plastic – may also be taken into account, using advanced math and the “difficulty of buttoning” scale.

A woman may also indicate that she feels so lonely she feels she cannot reach even buttons well within the grasp of an uncontorted arm, possibly on her lower back.

This may reveal that she feels incapable of even leaving the house due to loneliness, and so may be a helpful measure – though strictly speaking, this is hyperbole and not scientific. The buttons-loneliness scale cannot accurately measure this depth of loneliness, which is properly called despair, and loneliness exceeding the scale’s limits should be recorded as “∞” or “infinity.”