MFHTDWF #11, expanded and revised

Principle: Don’t go to court.

Don’t get caught up in boring court cases – and all court cases are boring. Unless you decide to throw your career as a famous person away by defending yourself “pro per” and engaging in televisable antics, there is no way to make a recitation of the facts of any case fascinating and terrifying.

Avoid it. That is the principle.

If, however, you find yourself unavoidably headed to court, you will invariably find that the only potential remedy to the boringness of reciting courtroom facts is to list as some of those facts (while defending yourself “pro per,” if possible) several sexual exploits in which you were engaged during the time of the crime. These acts should be explicit enough to be censorable by network television (or to warrant a “graphic content in the testimony” warning from an evening news anchor), but they should be recognizable as “normal” by approximately half of your fan base.

If you can cause half of your fans to categorize your sexual behavior as “normal” and the other half to begin to doubt their fandom of you, you will successfully start a debate that can last for several seasons of whatever television show you’re on at the time, guaranteeing you a renewed contract through what would otherwise be some of the most trying and boring times of your life.

If most of your fans see you as “normal,” the controversy will die in the boring details of your trial; if most of your fans see you as “abnormal,” you’ll likely have alienated your audience enough to have your contract dropped.

Remember that as a famous person, you should strive to avoid being associated with court at all costs; even creating controversy will only delay the inevitable decline of your fame once you are on trial. It's important to strike exactly the right balance, thus extending the life of your fame as much as possible.

For example, a ménage a trois might be considered normal, while “swinging” with your committed spouse or lover might be accepted by some and rejected by others. Making snuff films as swingers with your committed spouse or lover will not only cause you to be categorically judged “abnormal,” but will most likely cause you to lose your court case.

If you do in fact make snuff films as swingers with you committed spouse or lover, however, you may need to evaluate whether or not you are a serial killer.

The only exception to the principle of courtroom cases being boring is the serial killer famous person, whose calm demeanor while describing the torture and deaths of multiple normal people serves to make the testimony more fascinating and terrifying. For this reason, as soon as is feasible (when one’s reputation has been built to a climax in the media), serial killers should arrange to be caught, or turn themselves in. They should waive all rights that lead to a lengthy pre-trial process in order to keep the public’s interest in the story at a maximum and get straight to the courtroom trial, during which they should confess in full and graphic detail to their crimes. Their lawyers may wish to appeal the “guilty” judgment on grounds of insanity or the like.

All other famous people should avoid being in a courtroom, except as the star of a television series or feature film set partly in a courtroom.

Examples of famous people who follow this principle: Ryan Gosling, Nell Carter, etc.

Examples of famous people who succeed at this principle by virtue of being apprehended serial killers: Jeffrey Dahmer, Charles Manson

Examples of famous people who fail at this principle: Britney Spears, Jack the Ripper