Cobain in pain

If, like me, you've spent a lifetime total of thirty seconds considering the premise that Kurt Cobain's death may have been a conspiracy, prepare yourself to spend at least twice that time mulling over this one: Kurt may have been lactose intolerant.

I encountered this theory -- that Kurt was driven to heroin by "unexplained stomach pains," which were, statistically speaking, likely caused by adult-onset lactose intolerance, and thereby developed the addiction that ultimately resulted in his early demise -- in an independent 'zine written by Kelli Williams.

According to at least one source, the 'zine is well-presented enough to merit some serious thought.

I didn't get a chance to read the 'zine in its entirety as I leafed through it at the Papercut Zine Library in Cambridge, MA, but it did seem to present a pretty solid case. In addition to citing statistics on adult-onset lactose intolerance, Williams shows on one page how Kurt's name (also spelled Kurdt) in just two single-letter substitutions, becomes "curds."

She also applied scansion to the problem, pointing out that "Kurt Cobain" scans exactly the same as "curds and whey," the syllables falling in a stressed-unstressed-stressed pattern:

KURT co-BAIN = CURDS and WHEY

This was the point at which I was convinced, and let it hereby be known: Any conspiracy theorist willing to apply scansion to prove their madcap theories' viability can rely on my credulous recounting of said theory to all.

This post will serve as my proof of sincerity.