Carte Blanche 1: "Have you read...what the hell is wrong with you...should I go into religious studies?"

"Have you read Cornell West's "Democracy Matters"? if you haven't, what the hell is wrong with you? it's the best book i've met since college, by far. anyway, since west's job title "professor of religion and philosophy" at harvard, is pretty much the best one i could imagine, and since the u of m rejected me, should i go into religious studies?"

Technically, I should point out that this is three questions, but because it is the first carte blanche question, and because they are related, I will answer them all. (Magnanimous of me, isn't it.)

First: I have not read Cornell West's "Democracy Matters." Yet.

Second: Sometimes I have no &#*%ing clue what's wrong with me, but I can speculate, if that would help.

In the matter of Cornell West's "Democracy Matters," I haven't read it for probably the following two reasons:
1. I've never heard of it before.
2. I have over 1300 (other) books in my library...er, bedroom.

In the matter of what the hell is wrong with me in every otherwise, I can tell the following story -- with which you, englshmjr18, will relate: I am coming out of a long winter.

That is, a three-year winter.

My internal cycles used to go two-years-neutral, one-year-good, and by that count, last year should have been the good year -- but it wasn't. (Oh, how it wasn't.) My work, which I had loved the first year, fell completely apart as the school moved to a new location across town (to which I had to take the bus, adding an hour and a half to a nine-hour workday) and became more corporate than I could really put up with. We went from having walls painted multiple colors and the roof falling in -- an atmosphere I liked -- to cubicles and ordering matching furniture that took four months to arrive. The trend was upsetting to me, to say the least, and I couldn't wait to get out of there. (Though I did still love teaching, and the students.)

This might explain why last year wasn't a good one, but when I say "good," I mean "intense." As in, significant and difficult and engaging, and a lot of bad things are all of those. I've never had a "good" year that wasn't difficult. Last year could have been intense, and I could have been engaged, but I wasn't.

I don't know what happened, there, why I missed the year; but that's less surprising when you consider that I never knew the reason for the 2/1 sequence to begin with. It just seemed to be the way things were for me.

So this year, I'm thawing. It's difficult; I feel off-kilter much of the time. It makes it hard for me to be coherent and focus. It makes things that should be easy or natural for me, nearly impossible. I say truly idiotic things every day, and cringe. (Much of my blog is littered with apology for these things, though it may be difficult to find.) And I am tired; I have moved across national or state borders four times in the past five years and left behind friends each time, friends that will never be all in the same place, and so I know I will always be missing someone. My job is difficult but instinctual for me because of how I grew up; it doesn't engage my brain, much. I was reading a book a week the past three years and watching movies as though I were entering the information into a database. I stopped writing, that whole time, thought I had given it up. I was like an automaton. Until two months ago, I hadn't listened to music in probably a year.

Life was easier, if not satisfying, on auto-pilot. I want most of the time to go back into withdrawal, I feel my sharp edges and awkward movements so keenly. But I can't, because it won't help.

And anyway, all of you are out here.

Third: Why not?