MFHTDWF #12

Note: With the recent explosion in popularity of the already inexplicably popular Charlie Sheen, based almost solely on his antics as a famous person, we at Continue Unprotected have decided to resume publication of the “Manual For How To Deal With Fame.” We begin where we left off, at principle #12.

Principle: Do threaten to take other people to court.

While principle #11 states that you should never get caught up in a boring court case, the air of litigiousness surrounding famous people who threaten legal action can effectively add to their fame, but only if you never actually approach the courtroom.

Remember, your purpose as a famous person is to fascinate and terrify, which means you can go one of two directions in your faux-litigiousness.

First, you can focus on one individual who has supposedly harmed you. Make sure to choose someone for whom your fans have no sympathy, but don’t choose an easy mark either, like tobacco companies or people that hunt pelicans. The target of your supposed lawsuit should be surprising, but also someone about whom your fans will say “I always knew there was something wrong with that guy” – i.e. Steve Buscemi.

Make sure your statements in reference to the possible lawsuit, however focused on one person, remain randomly strewn about your speech. Do not give Steve Buscemi’s lawyers a chance to charge you with libel or you will end up in court.

The second direction you could take is a period of over-litigiousness, during which you may be prone to declaring that you will sue anyone who crosses your path for any reason whatsoever. The waitress brought your toast to you cold? You will sue her, sue the restaurant, sue the entire city! The cat groomer clipped your Siamese’s coat a bit too short? Threaten to sue Thailand.

If you take the second route, be sure to lay off the threats after a few months, or it will become as boring as an actual court case. During this time, you may choose to associate yourself with the church of Scientology, as such a church and over-litigiousness go hand in hand. Leaving this church at the end of your over-litigious period will also provide narrative closure for fans who wonder why you stopped threatening to sue all the time.

Examples of famous people who succeed at this principle: Charlie Sheen, John Travolta*

Examples of famous people who succeed at this principle inversely, by virtue of constantly being associated with lawsuits but never being the instigators: Steve Buscemi

Examples of famous people who fail at this principle: Everyone related to Anna Nicole Smith

*Scientologist