MFHTDWF #8

Principle: Get a Jewish mother equivalent (JME) to keep you down to earth, but if you are ever discovered, say she is your dominatrix.

This is especially effective for women.

As a famous person, it is your job to fascinate and terrify the public. However, only the rare sociopath can continually fascinate, terrify, and walk on the edge of overwhelming hubris required by audiences without occasionally requiring that someone keep you feeling some semblance of the moral qualms faced by the rest of us, and by you in your pre-fame life.

A JME can effectively provide this service by making you feel horribly guilty for next to no reason. You continue to experience some of the moral qualms that likely afflicted you in your life prior to gaining fame, but you are not forced to associate that guilt with any actual shameful actions, thus freeing you to continue engaging in those presumably fascinating/terrifying behaviors.

“Fascinate and terrify,” however, means you should avoid saying or doing anything that may make you seem “just like us.” We should not have to hear that your parents or children keep you “down to earth,” even if you’re being interviewed on Oprah (though this is the situation in which it is most understandable to see you crack and confess to normal down-to-earthedness).

Instead, keep your need to stay “down to earth” a secret as long as possible by sidetracking conversations about your down-to-earthedness; if all else fails, sabotage them by talking about your new world-domination plan, complaining loudly about the tornado patterns in American today (could they actually be caused by the federal government?), or, in a pinch, screaming and dismantling the set of whatever show you’re on.

The JME should not be related to you, for obvious reasons, and should resemble a Jewish mother as closely as possible. You may designate a single individual to be your JME and your dominatrix cover-up story, but as JMEs are ideally older and nagging, and dominatrices are ideally younger and look good in leather, it is understandable if you choose to employ two separate individuals for these positions. (This is mainly relevant for male actors who would like to be viewed as having “a thing” for young, hot women, in order to continue receiving the attentions of such women. However, this should be measured against the inherent fascination/terror in confessing that one employs an older, nagging woman as a dominatrix, which will undoubtedly last several news cycles.)

You should pay your JME exorbitant sums of money and use “X-wing spy plane,” “Time travel R&D” or “Floating laser tag island, LLC” as the line-item in your budget to account for this expense. This will appear as an obvious cover-up to any paparazzi with access to your accounting records, encouraging investigation, National-Enquirer coverage and the chance to act out in public.

Ultimately, if discovered, you should confess to having kept a dominatrix on retainer “to keep it real.” This should be followed up with release of pre-recorded explicit phone conversations and a planned media discovery of your “love den.” If your JME is not the same person as your “dominatrix,” you should also prepare your JME for this apparent revelation at the beginning of your arrangement so that she does not step forward to “defend” you during the subsequent media storm.

If you are discovered, pay the JME a follow-up exorbitant one-time payment to keep silent, but do not buy her real estate.

When you embark on your scheme to stay down to earth via JME, pay a one-time sum to a beautiful young struggling actress, preferably Asian, who is willing to come forward as your dominatrix should the need arise. If you and she are “outed” as S&M lovers, buy her a tasteful house in L.A.

Under no circumstances should you employ an actual dominatrix, as you will no longer be able to control the story should a real dominatrix come forward with tales of your exploits. The only exception to this rule is for those who will commit such bizarre acts with a dominatrix that confession of the true events of such sessions would serve to fascinate and terrify the public.

Examples of famous people who succeed at this principle: Donnie Osmond, Courtney Cox

Examples of famous people who succeeded at this principle but were discovered and used the sex-buddy cover-up: Pres. Bill Clinton, R. Kelly

Examples of famous people who fail at this principle: Kate Hudson, Tom Hanks