Challenge met: Apocalypse Readiness Kit (A.R.K.)

Now you wish you'd responded to my challenge...or you will during the Apocalypse!!


Contents:

Tissue paper: Useful for kindling or paper substitute; may be used to record all of Ecclesiastes in event of Apocalypse by fascist dictatorship, easy-to-read essential grocery list for looting in case of Apocalypse by fast-moving zombie horde, self-congratulatory memoir of Apocalypse survival in all other cases. Own blood will substitute for ink or graphite if necessary. (Others' blood preferred.)

1 book on surviving the Apocalypse, illustrated: Self-explanatory

1 copy of Apocalypse Chow, a recipe book for post-Apocalyptic cooking (provided radiation doesn't pre-cook all food microwave-style): Self-explanatory

1 can Hormel chili with beans with pop-top lid: Until a working heating device (i.e., toaster oven) can be wrestled from the zombie hordes, this chili can be used to sustain life. Use caution when attempting to avoid zombie hordes, however. They may smell the chili even after it's been consumed. As desperate measure, chili may also be poured over head and face to simulate previous zombie attack. (Zombies unlikely to choose leftovers when fresh brains abound.)

1 flyswatter with a cartoon man-face and tophat: To be used for squishing enormous mosquitos and other irradiated giganto-bugs post-Apocalypse; in the event of complete human extinction (other than owner of the A.R.K.), may also be used as "Wilson"-like substitute for human companionship. Do not attempt to mate with flyswatter.

2 cloth napkins, greenish: Because Apocalypse does not excuse you from using some manners, young man.

90 plastic Army men, green and tan: May be used for plotting military coup in post-Apocalyptic political/zombie landscape; Army men may also be partially melted to reflect actual condition of friendlies and enemies (i.e., "no left arm," "elephantized head," "missing brain with zombie teeth marks on skull"). Save any removed parts in case other combatants have grown extra arms or heads.

1 roll duct tape: Anyone who doesn't know what use duct tape could be in the Apocalypse is already dead; duct tape also likely to become new currency after free-for-all anarchic phase, then eventually replaced with something less sticky/useful.

1 small tray with pictures of lemons on it: May be used for storing and carrying items, and for remembering lemons.

1 copy each "Apocalixx," "Apocalixx II," and "Apocalypse is Fun!" mix CDs: Self-explanatory, assuming the world still contains working CD players.